Issue 90 - Hostage

Welcome to Issue 90 of Deep Life Reflections, where I share five things I’ve been enjoying and thinking about over the past week.

This week, we pick up the metaphorical bullhorn and explore the art of negotiation and the strategies and practices that can help us navigate life. We begin with former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss and his book Never Split the Difference, exploring powerful techniques like tactical empathy. Then, we turn to one of the greatest shows in recent history—Succession—a modern fable of power and prestige within a titanic family. Finally, we reflect on how we can better understand those around us. As always, there is a question for you to contemplate at the end.

Join me as we explore this week’s Friday Five.

1. What I’m Reading

Never Split the Difference. Chris Voss.

Hostage negotiators in the world of movies tend not to fare well. Take seasonal favourite Die Hard. Two of the worst hostage negotiators imaginable: the first incompetent and out of his depth; the second—a cocky duo in matching suits—storm the building and ask questions later. Neither are a match for the smooth-talking sophisticate Hans Gruber. It’s left to John McClane to take care of Hans, but Chris Voss may have done an even better job—and without the body count.

Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator. One of the best. His book, Never Split the Difference, is part-memoir, part-practical strategies on how to negotiate in life. Not just the high stakes negotiations, but handling the everyday conflicts in business, relationships, and even parenting. Over ten chapters, Voss covers nine key principles he used to overcome bank robbers, kidnappers, and terrorists. He’s the go-to guy for the worst of situations. I first came across Voss a few years ago when he did a Masterclass course on conflict resolution. I remember taking a stream of notes.   

Voss sets out his philosophy early: negotiation is nothing more than communication with results. Conflict is inevitable in life. “Negotiation serves two vital life functions—information gathering and behaviour influencing,” When we better understand both the situation and the emotions driving the other person, we can negotiate well. He’s clear on ethics too: “It’s not about manipulating or grounding someone down.” Instead, it’s about recognising that in this world, you get what you ask for—you just have to ask correctly.

Voss’s methods are rooted in psychology, anchored around building connection and trust to reach resolutions. Here are three techniques that stood out for me:

1. Mirroring. When speaking to someone, repeat the last 1-3 words with a curious tone of voice. Example:

   “Everyone here is really healthy.”

   “Really healthy?”

   That person will almost always continue talking. People fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s familiar. Mirroring builds rapport by making the other person feel understood. They talk, you listen—and gather valuable information. But it must be genuine; people are wise to insincerity.

2. Labelling. While we’re often told not to label people, it can be a powerful tool in conversation. Phrases like “It sounds like,” “It feels like,” or “It seems like” show empathy and help people feel heard and understood. Example:

   “It sounds like you’re frustrated.”

   “It seems like you’re loyal.”

   Labelling is non-judgmental and reflective. It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing but about showing you understand their perspective. This is one of the key tools I use as a coach—and it’s also an essential negotiation skill.

3. ‘That’s right’. These two words can transform a negotiation. Humans are wired to cooperate. The more a person feels understood and positively affirmed, the more likely they are to say those two magic words: ‘That’s right.’ This is very different from ‘You’re right,’, which is often dismissive. How many times have you said “You’re right” just to end a conversation? Instead, label and summarise the person’s viewpoint—what Voss calls “the world according to them.” When people feel truly understood, they’re far more likely to collaborate.

In all these negotiations of life, Voss reminds us to avoid an assertive voice—it rarely works. Instead, be playful and positive, easy-going and good-natured. And remember to smile and relax. We may not be negotiating with terrorists, but we all have things that matter to us. Mastering the skills that shape human connection. That’s a smart move.

A smart move? Absolutely—life is one big negotiation.

2. What I’m Watching

Succession. Created by Jesse Armstrong.

I’ve come late to the game. Succession has been and gone. Originally airing in 2018, the four-season, 39-episode show is about ultra-rich white people destroying America. Specifically, the Roy family. The family is headed by Logan Roy (Brian Cox), a snarling, ruthless Rupert Murdoch-type figure, and his four children: Kendall, Roman, Connor, and Shiv. Together, they control the biggest media and entertainment company in the world. The show won 19 Emmys, cementing Logan Roy as one of television’s most despised characters—taking a seat in the boardroom next to J.R. Ewing and Cersei Lannister. I’ve just finished the first brilliant season.

The show tapped into the zeitgeist of the time—a modern-day tale of power, corruption, and jealously that rivals the Borgias and Medicis. One could argue nobody asked for a show like this. If anything, our cultural and economic climate has grown even more anti-elite since 2018, now dominated by the age of the ‘tech-bro’. Yet creator Jesse Armstrong—much like Mary Harron with American Psycho—has created a biting satire that ridicules rather than reveres. This is not a celebration of the wealthy. It’s a searing indictment of how the top 1% directly impact the nation they help control. It’s also very funny. Sigmund Freud would have had a field day psychoanalysing the Roy family.

The show starts with Logan seemingly on the brink of retirement as CEO, setting up the ‘succession’ of the title. Eldest son Kendall is primed to step-up, but Logan isn’t convinced. This begins a seismic battle for power and control. All four Roy children have been shaped into the damaged souls they are. Each has an addiction to power and varying levels of delusion. But unlike Logan, who thrives in conflict and manipulation, the children aren’t really enjoying this. They’re acting on instincts honed from their monstrous father who, in season one at least, remains a largely black and white character (perhaps that will change in later seasons). While we don’t excuse their near-sociopathic behaviours, we can still empathise with them.

Armstrong deserves credit for not making his characters or show one-dimensional. Like the best characters written over the last quarter century—Tony Soprano, Walter White, Al Swearengen, Don Draper—the Roys are shaded with subtle nuances. When we least expect it, we see an act of kindness or empathy. It might not be huge, but it’s there. A few moments of humanity, like Roman’s genuine concern for his brother Kendall’s addiction issues, or a fleeting moment of happiness. But fundamentally, this is a show about a family—and the people in and close to that family, like Shiv’s partner, Tom, and Cousin Greg—who are only interested in one thing: themselves. Empathy is bad for business, as is personal responsibility. Lost jobs, scandals, and tragedies are no more than pieces on a chess board to be moved around in pursuit of whatever protects or enhances their position. It’s all a power play.

And that’s what draws viewers in.

We are fascinated by this world. We do not have a seat at the table, and Armstrong suggests we wouldn’t want a seat. The Roy family is like a dangerous pack of exotic tigers in a zoo, all prowling, self-preservation, and deathly menace. We are happy to press our faces to the glass, knowing they can’t harm us, knowing we can easily walk away any time. But the tigers remain. As they do in the real world today—and these ones aren’t behind glass.

3. What I’m Contemplating

Two very different approaches to the negotiation of life are presented this week. Chris Voss’ Never Split the Difference emphasises empathy and understanding as vital psychological tools for effective communication in high-stakes negotiations. In stark contrast, Succession depicts the total absence of these tools. A world driven by manipulation, self-interest, and failed communication.

Much of today’s discourse stems from rigid attachment to our own beliefs and stories. Yet in reality, we have more in common than we think. One universal truth is that many of us feel that other people don’t understand us. That’s something we can start to remedy.

A good starting point is the concept of the ‘And Stance,’ introduced by the Harvard Negotiation Project. It’s about embracing both stories. We often assume that accepting someone else’s story means abandoning our own. But we don’t have to choose between them—we can hold both.

This isn’t about pretending both stories are right. It’s actually very different. Don’t pretend anything. Don’t worry about accepting or rejecting the other person’s story. First, work to understand it. The simple act of understanding someone else’s story is what Chris Voss calls ‘tactical empathy’—a practical and powerful tool.

The ‘And Stance’ recognises the world is complex—and so are we. Things can coexist. Writing about an incident in one part of the world doesn’t mean you don’t care about what’s happening elsewhere. It acknowledges that you can feel frustrated, angry, and wronged—and the other person can feel just as frustrated, angry, and wronged. This approach allows you to gather more information without diminishing someone else’s views or feelings. It helps you move towards a constructive stage: “Now that we really understand each other, what’s a good way to manage the problem?”

Any good hostage negotiator will tell you that.

Just avoid the guys from Die Hard.

4. A Quote to note

“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.”

- Henry Boye

5. A Question for you

What’s one step you could take today to make someone feel understood in a conversation?

Thanks for reading and being part of the Deep Life Journey community. If you have any reflections on this issue, please leave a comment. Have a great weekend.

James

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